Finding Peace with a Difficult Pregnancy
Mom Guilt. It’s real and it’s brutal. Mom guilt hit me days after I found out I was pregnant, I felt overjoyed and yet I felt like I wasn’t doing enough. Mind you, my body was working overtime to grow a human and yet I felt I wasn’t fulfilling my duty as a mother. I immediately jumped on the Internet (my first mistake) and started my research; I was determined to have a PERFECT pregnancy.
Perfect pregnancy my butt. I bought expensive prenatal vitamins, I cut out caffeine cold turkey, and I was eating clean (for the most part). I did all of the research, I had all of the apps, I pinned all of the important mommy pins and yet I had a difficult pregnancy. The beginning of my pregnancy was easy as pie, and as my belly started to swell and my son continued to grow I felt the overwhelming joy of being a mom.
And then I failed my one-hour glucose test. My doctor was shocked, I was shocked, and I was overcome with guilt. How could this happen? I was doing everything right, and the word ‘diabetes’ comes with a lot of negative connotations. When I failed my 3-hour glucose test I was in a state of panic. Me? Gestational diabetic? It was an inconceivable idea.
Luckily, my blood sugars continued to be within the normal range, which meant my diabetes was controlled by my diet. So, on I went, my pregnancy went on, I was getting acclimated with my new condition and I found peace in knowing that everything was fine. My belly continued to swell and so did I. Normal swelling, you know from being on my feet at work, or so I thought.
Preeclampsia. That was a fun little surprise. I felt like my body was saying, “Oh hey, I know you were bummed about the gestational diabetes but umm, here is a little extra thing to really piss you off. You are welcome.” Cool. Real cool. The doctors already planned on inducing me at 39 weeks so the preeclampsia really got the ball rolling. 10 hours of labor with two failed epidurals and I was still without my son. I pushed for two rounds when my doctor looked at me and said, “I think you have an android pelvis, I think you may need a c-section.” Good, great, grand, let’s get this baby OUT OF ME.
I was so doped up that Kegan had to wake me up when Beckett was born so I could hear those wonderful first cries. All of the drama from the last 9 months faded away, he was healthy, he had arrived and I had done my job. Before I passed out I had the fleeting thought, 'Maybe pregnancy just wasn't my thang. '
It wasn’t until I was about 3 months postpartum that I had that realization, I did my job. I carried my son for 39 weeks, I kept him safe, I did everything in MY power to ensure that he was healthy and he was. I know that my pregnancy was a breeze compared to others, and I would never complain because I may not have had my perfect pregnancy but in my eyes my son is perfect and that’s all that truly matters.
Long story short, when mom guilt creeps up on me (which it does frequently) I let myself remember that he is safe, he is healthy, and he is happy. I’m not going to be the perfect mother because she doesn’t exist but I will be fierce in loving my son. And in knowing that, I think that’s perfection.